Experiment 5: THE BEST GODDAMN SQUASH SOUP EVER, SHIT YEAH

What you need:
• 4 or 5 butternut squash you know those bitches i’m talking about
• 1 golden goddamn delicious apple, diced all to shit
• like 2 tablespoons of minced onions, shit yes
• 2 cans of chicken broth, CLUCK CLUCK motherfucker
• like four or five good solid shakes of sage and one each of ginger and curry, don’t be shy with those goddamn spices, they are all anti-fucking-bacterial or something, i don’t even know, do you want fucking salmonella you dumb piece of shit?
• 1 tablespoon of brown sugar, pack it in there real good son, aww yeah that shit is fucking sweet, literally
• some cream if you want it, what the fuck do I care

What you do:
Oh my god so get out a big fucking knife already and slice those fucking squash right down the middle. Hey assface, where the fuck are you going? you aren’t done yet so get the fuck back in here and scrape those goddamn seeds out of there. There better not be one motherfucking seed left in this squash. It is going to be so goddamn clean you will want to crawl into that little dent and just snuggle the shit out of it all afternoon. WELL TOO GODDAMN BAD. Put them on a baking tray already asshole.

Get out some fucking olive oil and just slather it on that fucking squash. Bake those bitches in the oven for like an hour at 400 degrees, so that they’re all squishy and shit. Yeah son it’s okay, give that squash a squeeze fuck yeah how tender is that, that’s goddamn gourmet shit or something i don’t know.

You see that fucking utensil in your goddamn drawer? That shit’s a spoon, son. Don’t get it, shitface? Let me spell this motherfucker out for you: use your goddamn spoon to scoop the hell out all that delicious squash shit. That’s right, you scrape every fucking molecule out of the squash skin and you put those molecules into your slow cooker because later you are going to eat the fuck out of them and they are going to give you some goddamn beta carotene and motherfucking glucose so that your goddamn mitochondria can synthesize the shit out of some ATP, i shit you not.

Think you’re making soup out of just some fucking squash or whatever? THINK AGAIN SHITLICKER. Open up both goddamn cans of soup and pour them into the slow cooker at the same time that’s right gangsta style. Throw in those goddamn spices and the apple and the sugar and onions too, you can use more if you want to, this is a motherfuckng judgement free zone.

Let the slow cooker sit for at least six fucking hours on low, yeah it takes a long time but that’s why its called a slow cooker asshole, it is cooking your goddamn dinner so you could at least be grateful you son of a bitch.

Now after six hours I know whats on your stupid fucking mind, but NO, it is still not motherfucking soup yet, so don’t even think about putting any of it near your fat goddamn mouth. Damn.

Put that fucking pre-soup shit in the blender and you puree the fuck out of it. That is some orange baby food shit going on, fuck yeah.

You can put it in a bowl and put a little goddamn cream on if that’s your deal. Shit yeah look at that soup, it’s all orange and smooth as goddamn velvet. You know you want to put a spoon in that smug motherfucker and eat the fuck out of it, hell yeah you know that’s the stuff

Time Needed: **** : Aww yeah, you can bang this motherfucker with like twenty minutes of actual hands-fucking-on time.
Deliciousness: ***** : Look at that soup. LOOK AT THAT FUCKNG SOUP. I know you look at that and think “aww yeah I want to smear my lips all over that fucking spoon”
Serving size: **** : Serves four to six assholes
Ingredients: ***** : If you can’t find this shit at the goddamn grocery store you ain’t looking




The Bottom Line: Jesus christ i could eat this all day long and not even give half a shit. I want to set it on fire and inject the ashes into my fucking eyes.