Seth and Crystal's Ethnically Schizophrenic Meal

Having some free time tonight, we decided to make two things. Because, like a centaur in an Old Spice commercial, we're two things. We made minestrone in honor of Crystal's Italian homeland, and turkey burgers with an asian flair, in honor of...the hardest continent to maintain control of in a game of Risk.

1) Minestrone

Ingredients:
3 cups chicken broth
2 cups shredded cabbage
2 chopped onions
1 sliced carrot
2 sliced celery stalks
1 turnip, peeled and chopped
1 cup canned whole tomatoes
1 potato, peeled and chopped
2 teaspoons italian herb seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 cup chopped green beans
1 medium zucchini, chopped
1 cup cooked spaghetti
1/2 cup canned red kidney beans
Parmesan cheese

Instructions: Get a big-ass pot. Within it, combine broth, cabbage, onions, carrot, celery, turnip, tomatoes, potato, Italian seasoning, salt, and pepper. Throw in three cups of water cause it's soup. Boil it for 20 minutes. Add green beans and zucchini, cook 15 more minutes covered. Add spaghetti and kidney beans, heat, put cheese on, consume.

Review, as posted by Seth's LARPer persona, Lamicus McVirginface:

"Huzzah. After a long day of battling ogres and somewhat more challenging different colored ogres, I need something to munch on while I leer at tavern wenches and neglect to bathe. According to the rules, this hearty soup might restore 1d4 of life points, depending on one's roll on table 7G, sub-paragraph 18x, section entitled "things to whine to your DM about". In all, I give it this soup a qualified "13" on my heavily modified d20 roll. Similar to my recent expedition to the Dungeon of Repeated Logical Fallacies Which I Will Write An Indignant Letter to the Publishers About, Because Seriously, an Elder Red Dragon in a 10' by 10' room, What The Hell?, every bite is a new adventure, because there's so much different stuff in there. The recipe creates enough to feed a score of elephants, or perhaps one averagely morbidly obese larper. Much like the bard I travel with, I question the role of the turnip in the adventuring party that is the soup. I think it's taking up treasure without providing any real benefit, and should therefore be hit with an immediate 12d6 lightning strike, no saving throw.

In conclusion, in deciding whether to expend a 3rd level spell slot to the "Create Minestrone" spell, while stronger options are available, such as "Mordekainen's Unfaithful Wife" and "Rubix's Diadem of Obfuscating Diaphonous Oryxes", it all depends on the terrain, and your DM, and whether your constitution needs a boost because you didn't reroll your stats enough times like the cheater you are.

This soup's stats, according the Food Manual:

1) Strength (of flavor): 11. Only slightly above average, could be boosted by +3 cheese or something.
2) Constitution (heartiness): 19. This is some dense, filling stuff, and the recipe makes a ton. Could be used to make a tarrasque feel too full to chase you.
3) Dexterity: Unknown. I'll let you know how quickly it moves over the next few days.
4) Wisdom (time consumingness): 10. Not too bad apart from all the chopping.
5) Intelligence (complexity): 7. Even the Barbarians unfettered by civilization or deodorant could manage it.
6) Charisma: 15. I find that I like it. If I can nail my charm roll, perhaps the ministrone will be my bride. That is, if I comb the sweettarts out of my beard."

2) Turkey Burgers with Hoisin Sauce

Ingredients:

1 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce
4 1/2 tablespoons Hoisin Sauce
1 3/4 lbs ground turkey
2 teaspoons ginger
1 large garlic clove, minced
bread crumbs

Make sauce out of 2 tablespoons of hoisin sauce and all the soy sauce. Set it aside.
Mix the turkey with the rest of the hoisin, the ginger, garlic, and however much salt and pepper you want. Make 4 collosally huge burgers and roll them in bread crumbs. Cook them on the stove for a while until any parasites are non-lethal.



Review: I really like these. We used more garlic than is called for, like 3 cloves, cause we like garlic. Crystal also added more ginger, and just kept interjecting how much she liked ginger. I figured Casey would enjoy that.

Anyway, they're easy to make, and very tasty...kind of a sweet, tangy, mildly asiany sort of flavor. By which I don't mean that it tastes like there's Asian people in it. Not that I know what Asian people taste like, of course. OK, I'm gonna stop now before I dig myself in a deeper hole.

My score: A-